GrayGirlPounce
Heyyyyy, you found me! Whew, I’m so relieved that my SEO is working properly.
Okay, let’s get straight down to the brass tacks.
No, I don’t know where that phrase comes from either but it sounds semi-tough while at the same time ridiculous, so I’m using it.
(There is vigorous debate about it’s origin, but it means “to focus on the basic facts.” What? Yes, I stopped to look it up. I am still that person)
For the majority of the people reading this post who know me personally, and have kept in close contact for years, you will find nothing new in this word salad. For the rest of you, the ones who know me or knew me or have been in and out of contact, these are likely the two things that are shocking you the most:
So, are you like a mom blogger now, or what? Gawd no. Well, I guess technically I kind of am demographically, but not contextually from my estimation.
I have actually had various anonymous blogs since college. None really lasted all that long because I would either a) forget I had them, b) forget the password and random email that I created to log in to them, or c) deleted them after one of ya’ll found me.
In total, I have likely created a dozen or so blog-ish websites over the years.
My tendency to like to write shouldn’t be a shock to any of you, but yes, I have shared my writing online. This is just the first time I’ve admitted to ya’ll that it’s been going on longer than you think. Surprise!
I have completed my first two novels for a trilogy I will start submitting to agents in 2025.
It’s an upper-YA alt-Historical Fantasy Trilogy, you can find more on the The Copper Canary page.
Wait, you are autistic?? Yes, well, it’s complicated. Apparently I have always been a 2E neurodivergent person and only recently found out. For starters, I am diagnosed with ADHD, cPTSD, and “giftedness.” BUT, I also have clinically identified sensory processing differences, depressive, anxious, obsessive-compulsive coping mechanisms, and panic attacks connected to those diagnoses. Last but not least, I also now have a presumed diagnosis of high function autism (HFA, previously known as Asperger’s).
WTF is a presumed diagnosis? For and my Psych and PCP, it means the following:
I scored at the upper end of “high likelihood” on multiple practitioner-provided screening tests
Received a “high probability” result on three additional self-diagnostic screenings (recommended by the adult autism community).
Two psychologists, two general practitioners, and one psychiatrist have all expressed in my appointments that they “felt it was very likely” that I am on the high-functioning side of the spectrum — given my personal history, ongoing challenges, the struggles women face in getting diagnosed, and from their observations and interactions with me. All five offered to refer me for testing. Two did. I talked directly with a tester who approved testing but wanted to clarify whether or not I really felt that I needed “the proof.”
There is a strong correlation between Adult ADHD and HFA.
I elected to not get the official in-office diagnosis for it. I hope to someday, but so far I have not pursued it further for the same reason most late-diagnosed ASD adults don’t, and because the insane out-of-pocket cost (it would be considered an elective test) doesn’t justify simply making it “official.”
There is a significant genetic component to neurodivergency. My kids are both diagnosed ADHD, HFA, and gifted. So, 2E. Both kids are very much like me and my 2E husband. This is very unlikely to be a coincidence and is often how parents in particular discover their missed diagnoses.
What the hell is “2E”? It means twice exceptional.
Ah ok, you are just trying to find reasons that you are special. No, in fact, my fear that I might be illegitimately conflating my lived experiences and symptoms for the sake of pity, special treatment, and/or avoidance of discomfort is the very thing that has stopped me from being diagnosed properly for ALL of my medical issues, including this one, for over the last three decades.
I did not and do not believe that I am special, hence me trying to find a label that other people have already determined describes a large portion of our society.
I am finally finding the missing information that can help me finally see myself as a whole person and not the broken, dysfunctional, and worthless basket-case that I feared I was during the years of me not knowing.
So, do you still have all those other medical issues? Sadly, yes. I still have endometriosis, asthma, hypermobility, joint damage, IBS/SIDS, and frequent skeletal injuries. There is actually a significant correlation between chronic illness and neurodivergency, endometriosis and ADHD, as well as skeletal issues and neurodivergency. Yeah, it blew my mind too. Discovering all this did make me feel a bit better about having so much “wrong,” with me though.
You are super wordy on here, you were never this talkative in person! I get this a lot. Despite always being labeled as shy, I am actually far from it. I tend to be more introverted but if I have chosen to socialize and don’t talk much, it is likely because I am overanalyzing how often I should shift my stance or make eye contact so I appear normal and am keeping my mouth shut so I don’t unleash my capacity for chatter [points to the massive wall of text above] into your unsuspecting ear holes. It’s apparently called masking. I have… a lot of masks. I enjoy wearing them at times, but they are fecking exhausting.
What was that about masks? AHA! Mrs. Fakey McFakepants over here! I kneeew you were a liar!! Hold your horses sparky, and let me explain.
Masking is a common thing that most people do.
In the AFAB autistic community we tend to just do it a LOT more than others. Add my ADHD impulsiveness into the mix and you can see how a closet of masks could develop.
Everyone experiences masking slightly differently. My experience didn’t really become obvious to me until I tried a trauma therapy called “Internal Family Systems.” My therapist asked me to think of the “parts” of myself as separate people. I was shocked to discover this was not something everybody naturally did.
I have 5 main masks. They are not identities as much as they are a system of behaviors, scripts, and characteristics that I have determined work best in certain social situations. Thinking of them as individual “parts” of myself make it easier to swap my masks as needed.
Masking is something I regularly had to do in my previous career and is actually one of the reasons I was successful at connecting with my clients while also being effective as a speaker, creative, supervisor, and department lead. Swapping was something I did regularly.
I had decades of practice analyzing and adjusting to the nuances of how people “performed” in various settings and was quick to pick up on how people preferred for me to interact with them. 30+ years of anxious trial and error for the win.
Masking becomes exponentially more exhausting the more I do it and it is particularly draining when I am forced to do it when I don’t feel like it. Ever experienced me going into what I call “hermit mode?” Yeah, that is apparently what is called an autistic shutdown.
Parenting makes the practice of masking complicated for me. In particular, the demands of mask switching between socializing with adults and parenting my kids while they interact with other kids in a public setting that has specific rules and excessive sensory stimuli is my nightmare and the type of situation I need to mask for. But I also don’t want to be inauthentic with my kids.
I am still learning a healthy balance with this. My son went to a birthday party at this massive indoor gym/ninja course/trampoline park thing a few months ago. For once I didn’t try and hide all of my “quirks,” and allowed myself to be the quiet girl in the corner. The result? Instead of needing a week to recover from that hellscape, I only needed two days.
Ok, so you write, you have masks, hate kid parties and you are neurodivergent. Anything else? I mean, I guess all I have left is admitting that I let the boys pick my hair color during covid and long story short that resulted in me having blue hair when I updated my website …and now I’m stuck with a blue haired me in all my branding until I take new pictures. Other than that, I think we covered it all. Similar to how my crazy hair color covers the extensive amount of gray hairs on my head that I started collecting at the age of sixteen.
If you made it this far I am, for one, impressed with your stamina, but also very grateful for your interest in getting to know me better. So, thank you.
I hope we can still be friends.
Yours,
Cayse
aka, GrayGirl, Pounce, pounceswithwolves, etc. ;)
